Crappy Movies I Can’t Not Watch…

Update: It is now 0015 Pacific Daylight time or more than thirty minutes after they said it would be fixed. It’s not. Of course…

Update to the Update: Ten minutes after I got snarky and almost turned off the computer and went to bed, the interwebs came back. I feel like Junkie who finally got my fix…

So our home Internet Service Provider (ISP), which shall remain nameless (Verizon) had what they call a “service outage” today/tonight, which they expect will not be fully resolve until “approximately 02:41 Eastern Daylight Time.” This means that I will get no work or even any play done tonight as it will be out until at least 23:45 Pacific Daylight Time which is where I live. But I am pretty sure that they will charge me for the whole time that they were down.

I feel like all those people in the terrible movie “The Cable Guy” (to which I cannot link for you since I do not have an internet connection) who spend their days connected to the Television (the movie was made before the Interwebs really took hold) and when the Cable is knocked out at the climatic moment, turn away from their screens and begin to pick up books or talk to one another, giving us the moral lesson that we are too wired in to the virtual world and not paying enough attention to the simpler things in life, like not watching crappy movies with moralistic lessons that are full of sophistry and are condescending since they come in the form of mindless “entertainment” which they then tell us we shouldn’t be watching. At best it’s circular logic, at worst it’s a Jim Carey movie that “never gets funny.”[1]

Which brings me to our “Top 5” this week, which is “Top 5 Really Crappy Movies That I Can’t Not Watch.”

The Cable Guy won’t make my list because I saw it only twice, once in the theater and once on HBO, and I will never watch it again. Unless I happen to catch it close to the Medieval Times battle scene which is only funny because of the Star Trek music bed[2]. So it is NOT a movie that no matter how bad it is, I can’t not watch.

Neither will the Dudley Moore “classic” which was remade by Brendan Fraser, “Bedazzled.” In a rare case where the remake is better, this is a movie that in its day was probably okay, but it simply doesn’t hold up because of stale jokes, dated references and styles and that annoying 1960’s random editing that seems to have you jumping from place to place and person to person with no frame of reference or sense of the motion of the conversation. I am not saying that its a crappy movie – in 1967 it was probably quite funny and charming. I am saying that today it is a chore to watch, requiring constant DVR backup to try and figure out what a character might be doing or holding at any given moment.[3]

So again, a one-time watch, even if you count backing it up over and again to try and understand those oddball British accents. The remake is far superior and funnier and has Elizabeth Hurley in a black leather bikini.

Oh, so you’re “the Devil…”

There are, however, at least two (2) Dudley Moore duds that I always have to watch, at least one of which will make my list.

Wholly Moses,” in which he plays Moses’ brother in law and believes that he is the one chosen to rescue the slaves from bondage is basically the same plot as Monty Python’s Life of Brian without the happy ending.[4] Still it has its moments which I can’t miss, like his guardian angel escaping from Sodom & Gomorrah, or Richard Pryor as Pharaoh recognizing Hershel (Moore) and letting him know that Moses has already been there and done that.

Or I could go with “Best Defense,” a 1984 vehicle featuring Moore, Eddie Murphy[5] and an early David Rasche[6] as an insane KGB agent named “Jeff” who is bent on killing Moore’s character seemingly just because he likes to kill people.

Moore’s character is a defense contractor who manages to accidently steal the design for an advanced weapon and claim it as his own invention, making his company millions until the guy who really invented it (who I believe is dead) is likely to be discovered at which point Moore is thought the be a turncoat himself, almost having an affair with a very hot woman in a teddy who is clearly not his wife[7] but gets caught (it is after all, Dudley Moore) and is disgraced until at the last moment he figures out that the whole thing won’t work anyway because “the WAM is overheating! The WAM is overheating! What the hell is a WAM?”[8] and he uses a child’s toy to fix the problem thus saving Eddie Murphy and his Kuwaiti tank crew from immolation via the WAM some years in the future.

He also gets his wife back since he did not actually boink the hot gal in the teddy. [9]

So one of those two WILL make my list.

I’m open to suggestions of other crappy movies that I can’t not watch. Send your list to me via Facebook[10] or eMail.

[1] Said loudly in the theater by “someone” (okay, it was me) who had just paid $25 for tickets for two people to see this turd.
[2] Amok Time, TOS, Season 2, Episode 1
[3] The scenes where the devil is causing mischief are amusing IF you understand the history of that time. If not, he’s just randomly tearing pages out of books and crating them up. Using a line and pulley system. Yep… 1960’s Space Age technological wonders…
 [4] Always look on the Bright Side of Life… ♫♪♫
 [5] Who claimed once on Letterman that he did not want to do the film, but that he was offered so much money that he figured that he should take it.
 [6] Who would go on to redeem himself as “Sledge Hammer.”
 [7] But is one of his bosses
 [8] This line is delivered in a very dramatic AND funny way by the aforementioned highly paid Eddie Murphy. It is the only funny moment of the film.
 [9] Alas. If you’re looking for a T&A flick while on Deterrent Patrol aboard USS Michigan, this isn’t it.
 [10] Only if you are my friend. Otherwise it goes into that “Other” mail box that nobody (especially me) ever looks at…

Posted on March 14, 2013, in Episode Comments, Movie Reviews, Season Two, Star Trek. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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